"... I never find the words to say grace, tenderness, delicacy with which your hand down to rest on his forehead, a strong and sweet caress ..."
What have I done wrong, do you cling to the sheets, trying to force you with an elbow, what have I done wrong, my God, to deserve so terrible a punishment, a punishment would not wish even to your worst enemy ... Check Anxiety is the number one problem, as if the stuff was no nausea. Keep your eyes fixed straight ahead, this is the thing to do, stare and breathe long and controlled, that is what you focus when you're already in a sweat and your right hand wanders blindly, desperate for the phone. There's nothing you can do without help, now, nothing you could have groped before Deirdre you put in your mouth a couple of tablets. Useless to try to get up you already know that within a few seconds you'll find yourself on the ground, dragged into the vortex of the floor in a pool of vomit.
Inexplicably, Deirdre's footsteps on the stairs, rather than relaxing anxiety seem to increase it. Here's your wife who sits on the bed and cautious you gently caress her forehead and cheek, smiling. Somewhere inside you, you already know that this is the maximum tenderness is made available to you and you're burning it in a few seconds. Deirdre wears a green wool melange coat that you've got a model 60 with a high waist with eye-catching wooden buttons, absolutely perfect for her body as a young girl. The peak of color is perfect for his eyes, think with a kind of relief, finding comfort in the harmony of shapes and colors.
Outside is a Sunday and still gloomy: I had understood from that one quick look at the window, not just open your eyes, just before the four corners of the ceiling began to spin slowly around you. It does not seem an attack of the worst, nothing comparable to the first time when it was like having a propeller for a head, some dizziness are a hateful threat with which you do not resign yourself to live.
a sudden panic assails you with a violent wave of nausea and sweating, and if these were the signs of an attack identical to that which wiped out in a split second what any hearing in your left ear? If it were the surface manifestation of a problem of groundwater, which is working against your ear healthy?
"Steve, if that's the way you react ..." Deirdre deliberately leaves the sentence open to underscore his disappointment to you. Then you feel it take off his coat with a sigh. It is his way to help you, now you've learned you can not do more than that. It is not lack of love or superficiality, illiteracy is a kind of tenderness, a language we barely know, that you desperately tried to teach her but never did his. You get used to treasure the slightest show of affection from your wife because you know what little you give is all you can give.
your heart is flooded with sympathy for the skinny, stubborn figure that sits next to you, see it shrink and lean against the background of a family history built on the hardships of poverty, resigned, almost smug. Deirdre is sitting on the edge of the bed, bent back and thoughtfully wrapped in a warm ivory shirt. Stretch a hand on her shoulder and gave it to caress with a slow massage, without force, looking for his understanding, his complicity, and, once again, look at its history in the light of that feeling rough and hasty that he must have forged his childhood. I admire his determination to assert itself, the envy the strength, confidence in its possibilities, you are even proud of its achievements. But the devotion that continues to have Deirdre for those who have grown up with feelings closer to hatred than love seems to be the result of a submission perverse, disturbing, energetic woman in unexpected and positive like to reduce problems to a minimum.
is at times like this you feel the blush of new more vigorous rebellion against the institution of the family that inoculates indelible influences in the blood of defenseless creatures. But maybe it's just sloppy in your soul you refuse the sanctity of blood ties. It's your soul to evoke riotous about you just punishment, to push you in the shadow of the curse, which is no longer possible to repair their mistakes.
"You should not just stand here alone, Steve"
"In these circumstances I can not move, you know."
"But not good for you to stay here alone, do not do that work of imagination, and think always the worst "
" I do not want girls to see me like that, you know that spa wind. "
With one arm I covered her eyes with each other and attract to you the lithe body of Deirdre. Encircle the waist against you has a beneficial effect, even if you fear that you are already trembling to get up.
"You know what is your problem, Steve?"
"You only see a problem?"
"Your problem" says Deirdre, ignoring your challenge is you've stopped going to jail. I always knew that it was important to you, but now I realize how much. Sometimes I have the feeling it was the only place where you feel ease, "concludes with a hint of sadness. Look at last his hand on yours.
"I'm fine with you and the girls" The more you squeeze, wishing her under the sheets.
is at this point she gets up. There was to be expected. "Usually what we put those tablets to work?" Application absentmindedly looking out the window.
is his way of loving you. Do not ever take seriously, but never for longer than a few minutes.
"I do not know, I do not serve anything, really ..."
"But why take it?"
is easier to fall into the darkness of their loneliness, letting go the fear of all time, crouch and wait. No need to respond. Didi will return when you have something to be taken and you have something to give.
"Kiss the girls for me and them, 'I miss" you say suddenly tirandoti the sheet over her eyes.
"Steve, you're not dying mica" explodes Didi nervous. Look how annoyed you feel unwell, no, not from the heights, but from what your deep malaise that can not or will not reach, would be clearly perceived as far from that room as it strives to stay, sitting next hour corner of the bed. We are all so when we are faced with a pain that we can not go, think justifying it. But there is a wave of tears that press, meanwhile, presses on your heart fighting against the advance of persistent nausea. Leave me alone, Didi, leave me alone, for the love of God
"Steve, you're exaggerating as usual," she concluded after a moment of silence, responding to his impeccable logic of the straight line, the logic of the easiest way.
"I want to continue to love Julia and Chloe as I love them now," suddenly declared to the ceiling. "I do not care if you hate me one day: it is their right to hate me. What matters is that my love for them never change. "
Didi gets up and pulls on his coat.
"Steve, I do not know how you can hope to feel better if you stay here to wonder about things absurd "sentence, taking advantage of your statement to feel justified to leave. Adds dryly that this afternoon will bring girls to his mother, and if it does not rain come out for a stroll in St. Stephen's Green.
(from "The useless guide" ed. Progetto Cultura, 2009 - the eleventh episode)
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